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Our online Chinese New Year greeting card featured the 12 animals of the Chinese Zodiac. Each animal was accompanied by a horrorscope, a rather irreverent look at the stars for the future.

Occupying the first position on the zodiac, rats are prominently placed, but not so prominently sized. So even if you’re pint sized (in more ways than one), don’t ever forget the stories of Stuart Little and Rémy from Ratatouille, who more than made up for this with character traits like wit, imagination and curiosity.These traits draw company, and this company should not be shunned. Rats are social; for every Jerry, there is a Tom; for every Pinky, there is a Brain and for every Mickey, there is a Minnie.This Lunar New Year, (together with your sidekick) put on a different pair of spectacles (pink, like Elton, or green, like the Wizard of Oz) and look at the world differently. You might not be able to see through the red packets (and gauge how money you’re getting from that stingy relative), but we hope that the 2 days of holiday will be “eye opener”—unless you happen to be one of the three blind mice.

Occupying the second position on the zodiac, the Ox missed out on first place due to the slynessof the rat, or at least that’s how the story goes. The truth is that the ox suffered a tummy upsetand had to stop to fertilize some plants along the way. Regardless of this, Oxen possess charactertraits such as dependability, strength and determination. All these traits are essential so that the Oxfulfills it’s true calling as the finisher of the feast.

Indeed, the Ox has four stomachs for this reason (no shit, we swear) — it can be depended upon to make sure that no good food will be wasted over the 15 days of celebrations, which start and endwith feasting. It has the strength (capacity too!) and determination to press on. If that’s still not enough to fill your enormous appetite, (no, you need not regurgitate the food like real cows do), you can always head down to Marché or Ben & Jerry’s where fellow Oxen will be there to welcome you with open hooves.

 

Occupying the 3rd position on the Chinese Zodiac, the Tiger symbolizes such character traits as bravery, competitiveness and unpredictability. For your happiness and peace of mind this year though, we warn against “gungho-ness”. Don’t dive into the water thinking it will be an easy task,lest you discover that the currents are stronger than you originally imagined.

This Lunar New Year though, we’d like to exercise caution in your actions, lest you want to be left panting, because the currents of the river were so strong, even for an experienced swimmer like the tiger (in the story of the zodiac), make sure you test the water with the proverbial paw, less you get wet feet.

Whatever your battle plans are, be to sweet-talk that rich lonely auntie, eat all the pineapple tarts, win the “new year clothes” fashion parade, be warned: things are not always what they seem, much like how Hobbes and Tigger are figments of the imagination of Calvin & Christopher Robin respectively. When the right opportunity comes, pounce on it — and even if you miscalculate, don’t worry. You still have eight more lives.

 

Occupying the 4th position in the Chinese Zodiac, the Rabbit symbolizes such character traits as creativity, compassion, and sensitivity. Rabbits are friendly, outgoing and prefer the company of others (read: a fondness for hopping around for gossip).

Just because it’s not quite yet Easter doesn’t mean you can’t have fun, even naughty fun. Yes, you read right. While we’d discourage you from breeding like your animal namesake (remember, baby bonus stops after no.4) , you could always frame someone named Roger, steal vegetables from someone else’s garden like Peter, or annoy the heck out other folks like Bugs.

Whatever it is, fuel your creative and energetic passions with an abundance of Lunar New Year goodies (unless you prefer those shiny round thing called batteries like the Energizer Bunny). Don’t worry about stuffing yourself silly, because Rabbits do not vomit and anyway, Rabbits benefit from everyday activity as it helps to reduce stress— and you may well bring a smile to the face of the person you punk’d. Go, and be the life of the party.

 

Yes it’s your year, finally. You would think that such a magnificent creature like yourself would be first in line, but no, you are where you are because you were mad enough to stop along the way to make it rain for some farmers and help the Rabbit who decided to float down the river race on a raft by generously providing some wind. We can’t believe you let your occasional magnanimity overshadow your ambition at this most crucial moment. Why in the world did you do this? What happened to your infamous zeal and determination? How could you let the Rat win, HOW?

Unfortunately these questions shall all remain unanswered, you are still too busy taking over the world after all—or running for Class President, at the very least. Just stay away from the chili at the Chinese New Year lunches, the weather has been heaty enough recently and won’t need your additional help, thank you very much.

 

At your best, you embody grace and intelligence. When the going gets tough, you are wise enough to hold your tongue and rein in the venom. All these traits however, will come to naught due to your short attention span. Don’t get (too quickly) charmed by flutes of fancy, we have read the stars—they are nothing but peddlers of snake oil.

If you do fall into the trap, dive into the long grass and wait for the opportune moment to slither back on track. While working hard is what you are naturally good at, you can be even more effective at getting what you want when you pair your clever words and a molting of skin. This will bring you to higher hunting grounds you have never been before.

Don’t forget—when you facing a fork in the road, split your tongue!

 

As the seventh animal in the Chinese zodiac, one wonders what happened to the go-getter stallion that you used to be. Perhaps, the constant jockeying for position have worn down your shoes. Not all is lost—take this season to recuperate and then recharge back into the race! Something that has not flagged at all though, is your popularity, and your friends and family will stand by your side as your cheering audience.

Extremely animated, Horses thrive when they’re the center of attention, even if you get called stupid names like “Sea Biscuit”. Just don’t ruin it all by being a show pony. Plan it well, don’t jump the gun, and definitely remember where you need to place the cart, unless you’re a donkey. Stealth is key, if you want to succeed. If no ones bets an eyelid, you’re in a good position. Besides, the outright leader always stumbles at the final hurdle — and when they do, you, the dark horse, that Black Beauty can step up to the podium. Go get them… tiger.

 

In the past years, you were peaceful, content and willing to let things pass. Grab life by the horns this year, you deserve more than the garbage and stray socks strewn your way.

In a year that will separate the sheep from the goat, take the high road and stray away from the herd! Be the black sheep and leave the past behind. That is all water under the bridge, gather the fortitude to face the trolls that stand in your way. Don’t worry, you have steady feet. For bleat’s sake, stand firm and seize the day by the gruff of the neck. Before you know it, you’ll be at the top of the mountain where the juiciest thistles lie.

 

Dear Monkey, please know that with all the funny mischief you tend to fall into, your cousins are awaiting your presence this Chinese New Year with as much anticipation as apprehension. While conversations with you are more likely to be bananas and never banal, the sharp wit of your chatter sometimes does have a bit more bite than people can handle. Fortunately, you are clever enough to talk your way out of any hurt feelings that this has a tendency to cause.

Not clever enough to get back into your late Ah Meng’s good books though. So, to ensure that the future does not repeat itself with yet another awkward exclusion from a relative’s will, be well-behaved this year! Good rewards do await those who are mild-mannered. This means no monkey faces behind the backs of your uncles, and absolutely, most definitely no baiting of Cousin Kong and his temper.

(But if you really must scratch the itch to create some mischief, do it quietly—we won’t tell.)

 

Your forefeathers have spoken. Your future is doomed. The eggs will not hatch so you must lie low and recoup your losses.

 

Despite what has oft been said, distractions can prevent the dog from going to heaven. Heck,you almost didn’t make it through the race because you were busy having Scooby Snacks™.The neighsayers may think your future is in the pound, but this can be to your advantage. As thenew moon approaches, don’t pussyfoot around, be a man…(‘s best friend). Don’t just make noise, turn your bark into a bite and you will see that every dog has its day.

Also, don’t be distracted by passing bunnies, point your nose to the ground and sniff your way back to celestial redemption. If along the way, you encounter past acquaintances who have a bone to pick with you, leave them to the scraps. The lup cheong awaits.

 

This past year you’ve worked really hard bringing home the bacon and your house is now furnished with the loveliest of things. No longer a sty, but a haven from the anxiety disorder you used to suffer from after that period of clutching at straws. But don’t stop now, your trotters can carry you much farther. Knuckle down and go the whole hog.
Be warned, don’t be naive when offered a leg up from suspicious sources (especially by those with lots of teeth). Be honest and remember, you reap what you sow. Be a proud pig—if anybody tries to blow your house down, show them who’s the real porker and stuff ‘em.

To view the greeting as a whole, please click here.